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While grabbing at my toothbrush, I pondered the possibilities of ever being able to enjoy all work undertaken in my future as much as I enjoy brushing away. In squeezing the paste onto the bristles, a sequel to the former expression entered my consciousness, why do the bristles on my toothbrush always start bending in one direction after a month's use? Does this happen to everyone? What am I doing wrong? Why do I always have to do things differently than others?Isn't it odd how modern this activity is. I wonder how in the 1800's there could be such romantic stories as those I've read when they had no use of the essential hygienic ingredients we use daily. Is that not the perfect example of true love existing, without any preconceived or pretentious image. Unfortunately for me, I can't shake appearance from being the number one priority in maintaining attraction to someone. To elaborate, no matter how long I've come to know and/or learn from an individual, it seems keeping a likeness for them solely depends on them looking the part. If they slack in this department, I am guaranteed to follow suit by sliding out of relations. Without having personal choice, I am instinctively repelled by any sign of weakness or ugliness, maybe its my way of achieving what I personally lack.
To this point, my distance from relations can be attributed to depths beyond merely my squimish looks and cold appearance. Rather the blame can be shouldered on a strong inclination to hold my independance. Its a momentous and overpowering feeling to know that someone holds nothing on your happiness. And yet, through a guilt weighing on me and carried around in everything I do, I sense that there exists an undescribable and overbearing joy in being completely vulnerable to another person. In me exists a strong desire to be enthralled with another, but I'm wary of being enthralled just to be enthralled. Eighteen years is long enough to realize that we as human beings were born to be bored of the present, cling to the future and add more value than exists to our past. Its why we persistently doubt and question our current path, when right in front of us is seemingly the right choice and direction, we prefer to venture our minds into the daring and risky alternative. It gives us hope that we can be happier, that this isn't it for us. We can bring back what the past now is to us, but never was then. But, when the taken for granted is ripped away from the present, how quick we are to realize that in the truth of our soul this is what we wholly aspired for, over anything else all along. And we bleed a terribly desperate yearning to have it all back as before, over anything else no matter how lucrative.
Again, at least this is how I reason and convince myself that I'm content where I sit and solely keep my focus on a potential music career. And so the weeks carry on, same ins, same outs, bland and lost in betweens. No other formal distractions, high school was now come and past and there was no need for preparations to attend College/University, not for me. Obviously, adults around me will quickly misconstrue that acknowledgement, but thats of no value. There's no misunderstanding that all the top Universities are all for having me, but I'm not having them. To me, school only teaches you how to make more profit at the expense of others. Fortunately enough, I picked one of the few professions that doesn't require some $40,000 piece of paper to tell some geezer that I can do the job he should already know himself whether I could do. No four years lost only to start all over again, this time deep in the red. No, I won't be walking around with no false pride, I know the free ride a library card, common sense and an open mind will get me. Like I said though I'm not political, so I'll drop it already.