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"I'll take your word." I blurt with little desire for an argument.
"In fact, I would probably throw it in as the best read I've ever had, the writing has me chasing for more, it's exhilirating" she proudly adds.
What a sentiment, similarly i've got friends who will read all the supposed 'right books' times over and will consistently promote them to others as 'life-altering'. Yet, when putting their head back in their world they completely ignore the content gained and continue to sulk over their uncontrollable life. On the opposite spectrum, I'm always trying to re-invent myself; don't like who you are, change right? In watching a motivating movie, I get inspired by an alternative lifestyle and try to mold my own in line. But, try long enough not to be the person who you fall back to every morning when you look in the mirror and eventually you'll embrace the truth, you cannot escape or hide, you are this person.
While there, boring how when I read or see something that impresses me, I will write it down or store it in my mind as something to treasure and refer to in the future. The oddity of it is that, if it's impressive enough, than obviously it's something that is already valued and/or held within my own mind, just haven't found the mannurisms to articulate it properly. Why act like a toddler that needs to be spoon fed back their own vomit, stop looking for the key, attach some wires, getter goin already.
"so, you guys ready to order?" said speedily into the notepad by our waitress as she makes another pass.
"cream cheese on sesame bagel, and apple juice" sweetly replied by my fading significant other.
Silence.
Once again I don't take the lead and look like an unmasculine fool, never able to take control.
"yourself?" the waitress blurts ready to pass on.
"the strawberry crepe special" I exclaim shyly without having opened the menu placed on the table in front of me.
"do you think you'll ever order anything else?" those glazed over greens again. The waitress herself has passed on.
"variety is over-rated, if something is good, it's good, what's the need to change it up, I'd rather continue enjoying that favoured food, than spoil taste on weak alternatives". I feel little attachment to the phrase, I've probably contradicted that statement countless times today alone, but as usual defending my behaviour with the first weak reasoning to come to mind.
"what a hypocrite." she read me.
"I'm off with Greg tonight, think we're gonna hit up a game" the guilt is back, in my selfish manner, once again I completely ignore her and proudly state my upcoming actions and events.
"Well, that's good" her half-hearted reply.
"Yeah, I'm excited, haven't been in a while, should be good" how do I continue to ignore this inner growing guilt. I know I need to shower her with attention, she deserves that much, and I want to, but it's just not happening, the effort is lacking and it would prove petty.
"Look what we've become" assertively tossed out as she leans back and hounds me with looks.
"Oh no, not again" excitedly emphasized by my simultaneously getting up and heading for the bathroom.
I think I want to go on first dates for the rest of my life. It's the most awkward comfortableness there is. While in the moment, all you want is to rush to the end, when it finally ends you long for the beginning. After successive dates you are bound to fall into a mundane rhythm and pine for nothing more than to have the nerves and awkwardness back from that first encounter and understanding this to be impossible, will search it out in an alternative.
After using out my avoidance card, I reapproach the breakfast table with a hop in my step.
"the western leg of this next tour ends in san diego, than we've got a 5 day break before flying over to Europe, how bout we escape the winter depression and take on Columbia together?"
"oh, your body transported to another location changes the dynamics of this mess? You know I've got some meetings coming up that could make or break my job aspirations and there you go imagining life should be grand and free at the peril of your watch. A broken vehicle needs to be fixed before you can take it on a trip."
"Wow and you say I breed the negativity in this relationship. For now, I'll let you swim in it. I'm out."

PART 2

Page 11

If I could rip it up and start again, no doubt it would be in a thousand pieces on the floor. I see her eyes glazed in my direction with tired exhaustion, the mystery is gone, no more excitement created by the unknown. My head races with anxiety, maybe if I had been more distant, spoke less, created a life-long mystification of beheld features. I'd be miserable, acting a dummy, playing a role to heighten her dependence, but in the least those greens would still be peering intently, beaming on my face in adornment. It falls on a question of what's more bearable, being dead inside, or dead to her. The former always seeming the more likely choice, but never holding down when put into practice. Yet, the dream continues, I could change, I could be someone else,... I could be someone else! (tear at napkin) You know how a city is born the first time you see it, no matter what monumental or historical or even minuscule events happened in the location before your arrival, if unaware of its existence until this minute of revelation, it carries no weight or expectancy, its given a fresh slate. On my first visit to Detroit at the age of 8, I claimed Cobo Hall to be a grand building where a car show was being held, only years later was this upended by coming to grips, this was where KISS raised hell in the 70's. Suffice to say, I wish to have been the unexpected, whereas she knew me to be the exact being from our past, same predictable trouble, over and over. (tear at coaster)

"Why do you have to do that?" she whines with that vapid stare.

"Why you gotta sit there, normal and not do it" I snap with bitter anger for no logical reason other than that buried deep within my conscience.

Depending on your religious beliefs, pining is fruitless, there is no rewind button. You can deny the past, but you can't re-live it. An understanding that peers on depression considering how the good times never matched or lived up to the expectations built in my head.

"Is it really that bad" she squeezes through anguish in a lowered voice.

"What?" I reply lost in thought.

"You know what they say that means?" her eyes drop to my hand activity.

"Who is they?"

"I don't know, psychologists?"

"Yeah, I should believe someone who explains my actions but has never done them himself and like everyone else, has never been outside their own heads"

Why is so much weight placed on everything that comes out of the mouths of 'professionals'. Truth is, we are all professional at one activity or another in our lives, doesn't mean everything we say on the topic goes. Its comical when people obtain card-reading fortunes and are surprised when forecasts don't come to fruition. If people tell lies, why shouldn't cards.

I watch her lips part and coyly shape the words "Okay, I'll play along, so what explanation should be had for your actions?"

"That I can't sit still, that my hands need an activity to occupy." Deep down I'd like to believe that myself. The truth is, I'm frightened I'm not satisfying her in all aspects of our relationship.

"Well, maybe you should think about doing something less destructive"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, read a fuckin book" she smirks sarcastically with the utterance.

"Actually, I'm in the thick of 'Count of Monte Cristo' and th.."

"Now there's a treasure! The book is ten times better than the movie?"

"Whats your basis for that?"

"It just is, such a great read, the movie is garbage, skips content and makes it too romantic."

Whenever I hear someone decipher that a read is much better than the movie, I'm always left questioning the validity of that statement. From conception, it seems a base and overstated phrase to put merit or accomplishment on ones ability to finish taking in an entire book. Maybe because of the amount of time and commitment that was necessary to devour the content, more value and pride is placed on the book edition. Its a pride that almost overwhelms and has them believing they co-wrote the book themselves. In hindsight, it takes two hours to sit down and see a story unfold on film, while one wastes countless hours to complete the same story in writing. A conclusion could easily be reached that if we value our time, we should highly consider watching more movies.