January 08, 2010

Page 13
"You know what... I think I stay friends with ex's for the sadness,
to live every emotion to the fullest, kind of delve into that empty pit of dreaming up the alternative life extinguished. I let it burn right in seeing an old flame wrapped joyously in some strangers uncomfortable arms". Greg asserts a similarity in thought process that I consistently dial up. This last bit is in response to unfolding my mornings transgressions with my lady at breakfast. I let on that things were looking towards the toilet and he took the reins.
I pull the SUV into an open yellow box in lot CC, far off from any other vehicles to avoid that stress, but also a years walk away from the arena.

We point our sneakers towards the full windowed doors of the XL Energy Centre and set a pace
"Well you're right, it's inevitable to get to that place in any conceivably honest relationship, the bitter but healthy end.
Here, we can cyclically continue the everlong search, but purposely not look in the right places cause we're scared, scared we'll find the true answers and than what's the motivation."

We walk in silence, oh how I've grown to cherish the silence.

Past all the administration and obstacles of getting to our seats, we take solace in our upper deck places, where we've always felt most comfortable taking in games, avoiding a scene of unwarranted attention.
"Why do we come to these things anymore, we both don't particularly have an affinity for sports?"
We take in the seats filling, warmups, player introductions, anthems, puck drop, hit, line change, sign an autograph, save, rebound, goal, lineup, faceoff, picture taken with fan, end of period.
"You know, there's only one major difference between these professional athletes and myself. We've both captured the money, celebrity, travel and the audacity of performing for thousands of paying fans a night; but there is that one brutal, brutal divide. These guys get to sleep at night. My job, my art, my passion has only ever been driven and inflamed by an anguish that is restless, it's this torture of inexplicable pain that keeps me stirring until my eyes can't adjust to the morning light. Yet I covet and hold it tighter than I do my own girlfriend, without this burden, life is blurry/senseless. It's this last thought which makes me question the validity, if I'm conscious of the presence and keep it up, am I fabricating my external being?"

"I had this dream last night, I was sitting on a stool at this really upscale bar, chewing on a freezie with some very volatile friends, suddenly to my left this grungy old man appeared and stated emphatically in a very whiny voice 'you look like a happy, young man, you look real content. But, let me tell you, you need to learn this one thing. You should find a girl and keep her and hold her tight, because me you see, me I'm all alone, I have no one. I used to have a very precious lady, but I let her go, and now I'm all alone, I'm so sad and unhappy, and I'm gonna keep living this way until I die. So, if you find a woman, promise me, you must hold onto her tight, otherwise, you will end up sad and alone, like me. All I have is regrets, if I can be of any good to this world, it's to pass on this message to you'. Now, understand even in my dream, even in this fantasy existence, I was scared shitless at this truth, of course I brushed it aside and told the old crazy man to find another dole to rag, but even there I was trying to push the truth away."
"Alright, alright, enoughs enough, stop slipping in your tears and realize the sun just behind the clouds in your life right now, bring it out!"
And this is why he's here in my life. Unlike my alarm clock, which often goes off at the wrong time, Greg, well he knows when I gotta wake up!