PART 2
Page 11
If I could rip it up and start again, no doubt it would be in a thousand pieces on the floor. I see her eyes glazed in my direction with tired exhaustion, the mystery is gone, no more excitement created by the unknown. My head races with anxiety, maybe if I had been more distant, spoke less, created a life-long mystification of beheld features. I'd be miserable, acting a dummy, playing a role to heighten her dependence, but in the least those greens would still be peering intently, beaming on my face in adornment. It falls on a question of what's more bearable, being dead inside, or dead to her. The former always seeming the more likely choice, but never holding down when put into practice. Yet, the dream continues, I could change, I could be someone else,... I could be someone else! (tear at napkin) You know how a city is born the first time you see it, no matter what monumental or historical or even minuscule events happened in the location before your arrival, if unaware of its existence until this minute of revelation, it carries no weight or expectancy, its given a fresh slate. On my first visit to Detroit at the age of 8, I claimed Cobo Hall to be a grand building where a car show was being held, only years later was this upended by coming to grips, this was where KISS raised hell in the 70's. Suffice to say, I wish to have been the unexpected, whereas she knew me to be the exact being from our past, same predictable trouble, over and over. (tear at coaster)
"Why do you have to do that?" she whines with that vapid stare.
"Why you gotta sit there, normal and not do it" I snap with bitter anger for no logical reason other than that buried deep within my conscience.
Depending on your religious beliefs, pining is fruitless, there is no rewind button. You can deny the past, but you can't re-live it. An understanding that peers on depression considering how the good times never matched or lived up to the expectations built in my head.
"Is it really that bad" she squeezes through anguish in a lowered voice.
"What?" I reply lost in thought.
"You know what they say that means?" her eyes drop to my hand activity.
"Who is they?"
"I don't know, psychologists?"
"Yeah, I should believe someone who explains my actions but has never done them himself and like everyone else, has never been outside their own heads"
Why is so much weight placed on everything that comes out of the mouths of 'professionals'. Truth is, we are all professional at one activity or another in our lives, doesn't mean everything we say on the topic goes. Its comical when people obtain card-reading fortunes and are surprised when forecasts don't come to fruition. If people tell lies, why shouldn't cards.
I watch her lips part and coyly shape the words "Okay, I'll play along, so what explanation should be had for your actions?"
"That I can't sit still, that my hands need an activity to occupy." Deep down I'd like to believe that myself. The truth is, I'm frightened I'm not satisfying her in all aspects of our relationship.
"Well, maybe you should think about doing something less destructive"
"Like what?"
"I don't know, read a fuckin book" she smirks sarcastically with the utterance.
"Actually, I'm in the thick of 'Count of Monte Cristo' and th.."
"Now there's a treasure! The book is ten times better than the movie?"
"Whats your basis for that?"
"It just is, such a great read, the movie is garbage, skips content and makes it too romantic."
Whenever I hear someone decipher that a read is much better than the movie, I'm always left questioning the validity of that statement. From conception, it seems a base and overstated phrase to put merit or accomplishment on ones ability to finish taking in an entire book. Maybe because of the amount of time and commitment that was necessary to devour the content, more value and pride is placed on the book edition. Its a pride that almost overwhelms and has them believing they co-wrote the book themselves. In hindsight, it takes two hours to sit down and see a story unfold on film, while one wastes countless hours to complete the same story in writing. A conclusion could easily be reached that if we value our time, we should highly consider watching more movies.